These crumbly clay hills that spark with ivory and rose-colored quarts are slowly creeping into the dry chill of a high desert fall. A gown of color being draped across the higher peaks where fat white mountain goats yodel and climb, their coats a startling snowy contrast against the brilliant foliage.
This life .. the path I am walking … it’s proving to be rather steep; the altitude stealing all oxygen and leaving me feeling as though I’m suffocating.
Moving back in with your parents at 40-something isn’t something I recommend, particularly if these parents can’t see beyond your failures, and start treating you and your children as though you’ve all suffered massive brain damage, and have developed the I.Q.’s of devolved nematodes.
The thing that is stinging the most is the refusal of many individuals to entertain the concept that I’m no longer willing to live with someone I can’t rely on as a partner… never mind trust with my heart again. The concept of that trust broken so throughly that the though of living the rest of my life like this … literally has the power to crush me to death.
It’s not that this person is a monster, he’s not, honestly, but… he’s broken something that can’t truly be repaired. Trust is as fragile as a snowflake, but as important as the air we breathe, and once it’s gone – it’s gone. There are no do-overs within me anymore at this point.
I have overlooked and forgiven time and again … the refusal to acknowledge that this broken thing between us is an actual problem that exists, or that the problems and messes he’s left me to deal with alone all these years add up…. The weight of each piling on top of the other until I have literally been fragmented and scattered to the point of there no longer being a fix. I don’t know how to fix it. And, I can’t make him see it, or understand why it hurts so incredibly deep, or help him believe it even exists …. and at this point I feel it’s no longer my job or duty.
I will never claim to be perfect; anyone who reads this blog knows this as fact. I make plenty of mistakes, but I have to acknowledge them. Own them. Resolve them. Sometimes I even have to swallow them whole; cold and bitter, and utterly humiliating.
… He wants to work things out. I hear him when he says this, and I can appreciate how this “sudden” (not my word) change in me has hurt him … but it didn’t come out of nowhere, and his actions still contradict his words. I have addressed this problem time and again from the very beginning. What I am guilty of is tolerating it for so long… sometimes when you’re in the thick of it you can’t see it for what it is.
My parents expect me to work things out as well. The conditions and rules set up in the beginning have morphed… my ability to live under this roof until I’m on my feet are now only possible if I’m not going it alone…. leaving me to rely on the one person I know I can’t.
Right now I have precious few options and have to work with what is laid down before me. I feel beyond controlled, corralled, used, less than, and at some times so despondent I nearly run off into the hills with no intention of returning.
What I have is a puzzle. I can’t change the broken and chaotic scene before me all at once. (Damn reality strikes again!) I’m going to have to go piece by piece. Be patient. Sort through the mess and try to create something that works for me and makes sense. It is not my aim to hurt and destroy, so I am trying to take care in how I respond to the various challenges. I have no idea what the end result will be, nor how it will all play out, but I’m doing my best … that’s all I can offer… despite how I feel in this moment, I owe the people involved that much, including myself.
Right now it seems almost insurmountable. I step back and look at my future … and it’s blank. It’s not the lack of direction or ability to survive that scares me – I’ll make it work. I always have. I think what really kicks me in the teeth is my own self-esteem. I feel the weight of these failures and doubt my decisions; I see myself and wonder what it is that drives this man to abandon this family time and again at the most important and dire of moments.
-I understand I don’t own all the blame here. But in those quiet moments when you try to find reason in it all, you have to look at your own actions and see what it is you are doing so wrong. I get that I am odd, and more than a little weird in how I see life. I think back to when we got married and the passing thought that whispered “Find someone just as wild to run with”.
(…Okay, it wasn’t those exact words, but you get the idea.)
The key word here being “WITH”. Matched. Equal. Balanced and Similar to. Someone willing to work life out by your side, share in the good and the bad, and who won’t abandon you at the first sign of a challenge…. is it so horrible to desire courage?
So here I am. Walking away not being as cut, dry, and as easy as it was to get married in the first place.
New rule; Nobody is allowed to get married, or give birth until they reach the age of 25. If the word “teen” is still referenced in their age, they can’t be given into any relationship that involves more than a bad movie and stale popcorn. Once an individual is of age they must first enter into several bad (unwed) relationships so that they will recognize the right one when it comes around. And last but not least, it should be just as hard to get into a marriage as it is to get out of one, and neither of them should ever cost more than $300 … which is the grand total of what my wedding cost me, even way back then. ….. clearly I’ve better things to throw my money at…. like travel. Or chocolate. Sometimes puppies. (I’ve paid far more for puppies and came away with far fewer heartaches.)
Other fun news; if you’ve been around here for any length of time you’ll be familiar with the Troll back in Washington, and her son, and the Stephen King like mentality that rules that horrible, backwater town. For anyone doubting what a nightmare this duo and town has been, and for a taste of who they are and how they behave .. and what sort of mess I was left to work with alone while the Daughterling courted suicide after turning this kid down… and why we told nobody when we were moving, or where we were moving to …. Read, and come up with your own opinion.
(Shocked by the allegations my ass, he just finally got caught on something his mother couldn’t irrationally blame on someone else. And that 95% there to “support him” … Nobody wants to be on his mothers bad side .. I KNOW THIS WELL. The kid didn’t get this way by himself. Period. My daughter was tagged in some of these “revenge” conversations via social media… so to say it’s 100% over, would be incorrect. PARENTS; Be involved in your kids online activities. This is not the world you grew up in. Do whatever it takes to protect your kids!!)
This kid and his mother have been the last several years of my life, and not once was there any support from the other half other than to tell me to tell her off …. so I’ve fought this woman and this town alone; had to work for her scrubbing toilets to feed my kids while we were singled out again and again. (If you think you know humiliation .. try that scenario on for size.) Sat through nights of isolation when the Daughterling was hell-bent on suicide, and I had neither phone nor friend, nor spouse, nor any money for gas I could rely on to get help whenever she stopped breathing, or cut too deep, or was completely out of her mind, desperate to escape that place… those people…. and I realize this is sounding like a stuck record; the point isn’t that I’m poor and picked on. I’m not. the point is
He should have been there.