Never Underestimate a Determined Woman Who Battles Trolls.

GoatstriggerwarningThese crumbly clay hills that spark with ivory and rose-colored quarts are slowly creeping into the dry chill of a high desert fall. A gown of color being draped across the higher peaks where fat white mountain goats yodel and climb, their coats a startling snowy contrast against the brilliant foliage.

This life .. the path I am walking … it’s proving to be rather steep; the altitude stealing all oxygen and leaving me feeling as though I’m suffocating.

Moving back in with your parents at 40-something isn’t something I recommend, particularly if these parents can’t see beyond your failures, and start treating you and your children as though you’ve all suffered massive brain damage, and have developed the I.Q.’s of devolved nematodes.

The thing that is stinging the most is the refusal of many individuals to entertain the concept that I’m no longer willing to live with someone I can’t rely on as a partner… never mind trust with my heart again. The concept of that trust broken so throughly that the though of living the rest of my life like this … literally has the power to crush me to death.

It’s not that this person is a monster, he’s not, honestly, but… he’s broken something that can’t truly be repaired. Trust is as fragile as a snowflake, but as important as the air we breathe, and once it’s gone – it’s gone. There are no do-overs within me anymore at this point.

red-cactus-flower-utahI have overlooked and forgiven time and again … the refusal to acknowledge that this broken thing between us is an actual problem that exists, or that the problems and messes he’s left me to deal with alone all these years add up…. The weight of each piling on top of the other until I have literally been fragmented and scattered to the point of there no longer being a fix. I don’t know how to fix it. And, I can’t make him see it, or understand why it hurts so incredibly deep, or help him believe it even exists …. and at this point I feel it’s no longer my job or duty.

I will never claim to be perfect; anyone who reads this blog knows this as fact. I make plenty of mistakes, but I have to acknowledge them. Own them. Resolve them. Sometimes I even have to swallow them whole; cold and bitter, and utterly humiliating.

… He wants to work things out. I hear him when he says this, and I can appreciate how this “sudden” (not my word) change in me has hurt him … but it didn’t come out of nowhere, and his actions still contradict his words. I have addressed this problem time and again from the very beginning. What I am guilty of is tolerating it for so long… sometimes when you’re in the thick of it you can’t see it for what it is.

My parents expect me to work things out as well. The conditions and rules set up in the beginning have morphed… my ability to live under this roof until I’m on my feet are now only possible if I’m not going it alone…. leaving me to rely on the one person I know I can’t.

Right now I have precious few options and have to work with what is laid down before me. I feel beyond controlled, corralled, used, less than, and at some times so despondent I nearly run off into the hills with no intention of returning.

monument-valleyWhat I have is a puzzle. I can’t change the broken and chaotic scene before me all at once. (Damn reality strikes again!) I’m going to have to go piece by piece. Be patient. Sort through the mess and try to create something that works for me and makes sense. It is not my aim to hurt and destroy, so I am trying to take care in how I respond to the various challenges. I have no idea what the end result will be, nor how it will all play out, but I’m doing my best … that’s all I can offer… despite how I feel in this moment, I owe the people involved that much, including myself.

Right now it seems almost insurmountable. I step back and look at my future … and it’s blank. It’s not the lack of direction or ability to survive that scares me – I’ll make it work. I always have. I think what really kicks me in the teeth is my own self-esteem. I feel the weight of these failures and doubt my decisions; I see myself and wonder what it is that drives this man to abandon this family time and again at the most important and dire of moments.
-I understand I don’t own all the blame here. But in those quiet moments when you try to find reason in it all, you have to look at your own actions and see what it is you are doing so wrong. I get that I am odd, and more than a little weird in how I see life. I think back to when we got married and the passing thought that whispered “Find someone just as wild to run with”.
(…Okay, it wasn’t those exact words, but you get the idea.)
The key word here being “WITH”. Matched. Equal. Balanced and Similar to. Someone willing to work life out by your side, share in the good and the bad, and who won’t abandon you at the first sign of a challenge…. is it so horrible to desire courage?

So here I am. Walking away not being as cut, dry, and as easy as it was to get married in the first place.

footprintsNew rule; Nobody is allowed to get married, or give birth until they reach the age of 25. If the word “teen” is still referenced in their age, they can’t be given into any relationship that involves more than a bad movie and stale popcorn. Once an individual is of age they must first enter into several bad (unwed) relationships so that they will recognize the right one when it comes around. And last but not least, it should be just as hard to get into a marriage as it is to get out of one, and neither of them should ever cost more than $300 … which is the grand total of what my wedding cost me, even way back then. ….. clearly I’ve better things to throw my money at…. like travel. Or chocolate. Sometimes puppies. (I’ve paid far more for puppies and came away with far fewer heartaches.)

Other fun news; if you’ve been around here for any length of time you’ll be familiar with the Troll back in Washington, and her son, and the Stephen King like mentality that rules that horrible, backwater town. For anyone doubting what a nightmare this duo and town has been, and for a taste of who they are and how they behave .. and what sort of mess I was left to work with alone while the Daughterling courted suicide after turning this kid down… and why we told nobody when we were moving, or where we were moving to …. Read, and come up with your own opinion.
(Shocked by the allegations my ass, he just finally got caught on something his mother couldn’t irrationally blame on someone else.  And that 95% there to “support him” … Nobody wants to be on his mothers bad side .. I KNOW THIS WELL.  The kid didn’t get this way by himself.  Period.  My daughter was tagged in some of these “revenge” conversations via social media… so to say it’s 100% over, would be incorrect.  PARENTS; Be involved in your kids online activities.  This is not the world you grew up in.  Do whatever it takes to protect your kids!!)

This kid and his mother have been the last several years of my life, and not once was there any support from the other half other than to tell me to tell her off …. so I’ve fought this woman and this town alone; had to work for her scrubbing toilets to feed my kids while we were singled out again and again.  (If you think you know humiliation .. try that scenario on for size.) Sat through nights of isolation when the Daughterling was hell-bent on suicide, and I had neither phone nor friend, nor spouse, nor any money for gas I could rely on to get help whenever she stopped breathing, or cut too deep, or was completely out of her mind, desperate to escape that place… those people…. and I realize this is sounding like a stuck record; the point isn’t that I’m poor and picked on.  I’m not.  the point is

He should have been there.

Abandoned-House-Desert
Perhaps now people might truly understand why things have gotten to the point they have… and suddenly, I’m not looking so heartless and crazy for feeling the way I do.

-Jane

 

(I’m not looking for comments that will bash him, or the horrible family we’ve had to deal with.  I’m getting a point across; exposing my reasoning and frustrations … nothing more. I’ve no filter, and sometimes things just need to be told…. I can’t be the only person in this boat.  Everyone has a story.  Everyone…. so be kind.  You never know what another person is working through.)
Posted in Motherhood, New Beginnings, Stupid People, The Daily Grind, Writing | Tagged , , , , , | 11 Comments

Major Tom to Ground Control; Alien lifeforms encountered, requesting wine and blow darts to subdue.

Grand Canyon Sunrise Dessert Surround Yourself copyIt’s been an intense few weeks, days fading into one another in a hot, sticky haze of summer sun and impending metamorphosis.

My sister’s visit has come and gone, nights cuddled in a cabin at the juncture of three rivers running thick with salmon, and days wandering beaches speckled with sea stacks. There were also waterfalls in hidden corners of a rainforest hosting some of the largest individuals of certain tree species in the world… the sap of one over a thousand years old, so redolent and potent a pine scent it speaks the language of the earth itself. Clay, sun, sea, time. A fragrance few will ever have the good fortune to experience. .. It lingers still in memory, forever glued to my bones.

I did manage to forget my medication, which landed me in a slump somewhere between a prostitute and a dirty little town sewn tight against outsiders with hopelessness and crime. She was very nice to me though, if not a little spaced out. I bought her some dinner … no strings attached.

The week before we moved I found myself on my bed with my little dog, two commas curled into each other, pausing time to hold it still, silent, safe. The thin thread of this life of mine worn to the very last fiber, and yet life continued to rub harshly against it like a pendulous blade. I still feel the vibration and hold my breath, count moments in seconds, seeing how many I can make it through before the next wave of gravity caves in and buries me. Wait for the whispered snap that will proclaim to eternity for whom the bells have tolled.

Explaining this thing that chases me to people who have never met the darkness of depression and suicide .. it’s no small thing. Hard to capture with words in a way that will paint a clear picture that doesn’t simply look like a portrait of self-pity and stupidity.  For people like myself it’s vital to find stable ground.  Positive support.  Joy.

Where things are at this moment.
The reality of the situation; When I look at the options available for a woman my age trying to start over again, I see a very short road. I can hold hope inside and cling to it with attitude and determination, but the truth of it is, life doesn’t write a happy ending for everyone. The honest reality is that once I am able to step out into this world on my own, that’s exactly how it’s going to be. I will be consumed with trying to finish my schooling for the minute possibility that I will be hired over the young, vivacious twenty-something. And should I find work, I hope the remainder of my life will not be spent trying to pay bills, such as student loans. Attempting to keep food within reach. Have heat in the winter. Keep up with a life that is further and further away from what I had ever imagined for myself.
Or I can stay in this relationship that has zeroed out my emotional bank account. Strangle myself just enough to lose all feeling and drive, but leaving enough to allow this body to continue to walk from day-to-day as duty would dictate. Life in a coma.

Blue Flower:Unconditional

There is a lot to be said for quality of life. And so frequently now I feel the passing of time much more swiftly than I ever used to…. when my mind is chased by shadows I don’t know how to find the positives within that darkness. What I do find are closed roads. Lost opportunities, and fewer chances for success with a contented happiness with where I am. What I see for myself is that isolated space that consumed my brother. ….. I have to wonder if maybe I had a tiny bit more left to me, an ounce of substance. Something … anything of value, if maybe that would have been enough to keep me from this abyss that has landed me in Utah.

Within this chaotic journey I have grown, but each time it has taken a toll. Exacted a price … sort of like what happens if you continue buffing away at anything that was flawed and tarnished to bring out the value, such as shiny warm gold. If you keep rubbing away at it, unable to see the beauty of it as a whole – even with its flaws, eventually it’s possible to wear it away to nothing … and it will break …. So I walk a very fine line here. I wish I were more substantial and could withstand another rough tumble in life … but the truth is, my core is proving to be too soft. I’m not sure this is one tumble I’ll realistically see the other side of.

But I have to hope. Have to. I find it easier to take life in pieces … moments … breaths at a time. I have found looking at the enormity of the overall picture to be entirely too large. Insurmountable. So life has become a patchwork of moments puzzled together… a puzzle I’m still too close to, to see the entire picture properly. I have to go on the faith that I will make it through at some point, and this life thing will be made easier to bear.

As for life in this moment; I’ve made it to Utah, and my parents have decided that they needed to move a truckload of their stuff within a day or two of us arriving at this house. (They won’t actually move in until February-ish.)  I have been left to do most of the unpacking for my little family, as well as helping my parents. Some days I feel entirely too small to walk in this world. Too tired. And lately, too ornery to even think straight.

This relationship of mine has taken a strange and disturbing turn; my family has always seen this husband of mine as some sort of Superman … and I have been credited with being not enough for him from the beginning, my mental health causing me to be the only problem in this marriage they can see. And to be brutally honest it makes me furious…. this partner of mine has never, not once, stepped up when life has put down personal challenges. I have had to do it all. On my own, and isolated (By now who doesn’t know this?)… how they can think I’m so incapable and doddering, completely unable to survive on my own merit …. some days it makes me so incredibly furious I feel physically sick.

Dance to your own rythm

And this person he has become … is brutal. Constantly on the attack… and I am standing on the threshold of simply disappearing. Leaving them all to themselves. It is building like an avalanche inside, and I don’t know how to stop it at this point… not sure I even want to.

Fighting a daily battle with this building dread and depression is draining me. Countering all the misinformation my mother has been feeding everyone about our situation is draining as well …. she firmly believes that without my husband, I am nothing. That you have to kill yourself enough inside and simply “do your duty”. Let him use you so you can keep a roof over your head.

WTF?  Seriously?

What is this, the dark ages?

I don’t share this “duty” gene or martyr perspective. I WONT. I can’t give myself over to being owned. Gifting my self-respect and happiness to someone who can’t even see me, never mind hear me, for the security of domestic “bliss”. … I don’t buy it. I’m calling bullshit. I refuse to be little more than a kept wench when I know I’m capable of more in this life. Worth more. (Apologies for the bluntness – I call it like I see it.)

Frankly, I would rather live one year with someone who could see I have some value, who actually wanted to hear what I had to say. Who would acknowledge I have worth.. have always had it, and who can appreciate who I am on the most basic level. All this means more to me than living a lifetime as though I were invisible, valueless, something to be tossed out and abandoned.
To actually feel loved; not owned, loved; unconditionally…. I can’t say I’ve ever felt that. I’m starting to wonder if it’s possible, or just something other people experience … myth maybe?  It certainly hasn’t been for a lack of trying. I think twenty-two years is a good, honest effort at trying.

So that’s where things are at. I’ll leave out the detailed personal jabs and bullshit that some people fire off to guilt me into being the obedient little wife. Who have blatantly ignored the fact I’m done with it… who continue to pretend nothing is wrong. Who choose to forget I have already expressed my intentions, and I’m sticking to it.

It. Makes. Me. Crazy. Bat Shit.

I’m still trying to keep things civil for the sake of my kids… they’ve been through enough. But I will see this through, even if it takes a while, or alienates me from certain family members.

What everyone needs to remember is that we all have worth. We all deserve to feel love at some point in life. We all deserve to be seen and heard, and have at least one person in this life say, “I value you. As flawed and ornery as you are today, I value you. I believe in you. I will stand by your side regardless of how old and ugly you get, or how difficult life becomes, because I care; truly care. Nobody is perfect, and that’s actually a beautiful thing.

Call me a dreamer, or stubborn, or single-minded at this point… but despite these shadows I still have hope, and I will pursue it until I either fall over dead, or find a life I fit in. That, simply put, is the long and short of it for today.

One thing I do know; time waits for no one. Either embrace the life you were meant to live, or settle for the mediocre. Stop worrying about what you think you know, and follow your heart on occasion. Believe in yourself. Stand up for yourself even when no one else will.

Four Things

Nothing worth anything comes easy.

-Jane

Posted in Decoding Marriage, Mental Health, Motherhood, New Beginnings, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 9 Comments

If Br’er Rabbit had an iPhone, life would look like this

macaque

Jane Doh selfie… eat your heart out Kim Kardashian!

Despite a foot that’s none to happy with me for my inability to sit around and wait for it to un-break itself, I’ve still been getting out to either go hiking, or mountain biking. And though I did make a good go of it running one day, the results on my bloody, stupid appendage and its digit were enough to curb that drive for the time being.  (Update.  No it wasn’t.  I did it again, but it wasn’t as bad.)

The irony of getting out more is that you tend to spend less time inside blogging… which is a good thing to take a break from, from time to time anyway.
(Everything in moderation except cheese, wine, digital photos, and chocolate, and you should live to a ripe old age… or at least ripe.)

I’m also making the effort to take better pictures with this iPhone, as it’s usually all I ever have on me. A purse and its trappings are a thing of the past, and I’m not entirely unhappy to see them go as I like being unladen by domestic baggage and a twenty pound camera.

Primarily I’ve been riding a few trail systems by my house. One is mapped out and easy to navigate, while the other was unquestionably mapped by a blind macaque with an inner ear disorder and a blatant disregard for numerical sequence. Twice in one week I’ve found myself wandering dead-end trails that involve ravines and rock slides, and Br’er Rabbits briar patch. (I’m certain of the latter after having dug out said briars from beneath my skin more times than I can count.)

Which brings me to today’s lessons:

Mountain Biking Lesson #43
Scout out new trails before you launch yourself down them. This will save you the trouble of rocketing off the virtual cliff you didn’t see coming, and tumbling down a rock slide that you will then have to climb back up. With your bike in tow.  And if you’re like me, you get to do this with a broken toe / finger / arm / neck (Choose a body part, I’m not picky.) … which will not thank you for your senseless desire to punish it by proving how stupid you can be awesome  you are time and time again.

Having said that, should you find yourself in a briar patch with your bike anyway, remember to take the time to shoot a few photos so that you can remember this vital life lesson. You will thank yourself for it later… your family will just laugh at you.  Win – Win.

… Which now segues nicely into todays iPhone photography lesson…

iPhone Photography for Dummies; Lesson #3
While lying on your back as you assess whether you’ve broken anything before you attempt to move, take a look around. Chances are there is something beautiful going on around you, aside from your body’s remarkable ability to heal.
Take out your phone and start shooting anything that looks remotely interesting, and be sure to take numerous shots from various angles, even if this causes excruciating pain.  Art is pain people.

Being that this is the digital age, click to your heart’s content .. and then keep doing it. When you get home from the hospital and are laying in bed you’ll have ample time to sort through the thousands of photos of your recent adventure. Most of them will likely be mediocre and nothing worth saving, but once in a great while you might surprise yourself, and discover you’ve managed to get a unique and strange shot that almost looks like you knew what you were doing.  Or, nature may step in and offer you compensation for trying to kill you earlier… don’t question it.  Own it like a Rock Star.

These are recent acquisitions to my iPhoto library while spending some quality time in the briar patch.

We can all pretend I knew what I was doing. I call this photo shoot
“Dumb Luck and Persistence”.

Enjoy.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

-Jane

Posted in Art; term used loosely, Mountain Biking, Olympic Peninsuala, Photography | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Honky-tonk Badonkadonk and the demise of Pooh Bear

winnie the pooh, fear and loathing in las vegas, funny, parody, bizarre, oddThere is a creaking, wrenching, protesting, grind of metal against wood. A house shaking, wall groaning, pounding going on over my head this morning.

In the cloud shaded crack of dawn I’ve a handful of surly roofers stomping and swearing their way back and forth across the heavens in steel toed boots. Somewhere between, “Where the f*ck are the goddam roofing nails!” and the hastily hushed rantings of someone who just put their size elevens through this rotting fortress into my living room, the strains of “Honky-tonk Badonkadonk” sidestep the madness to add an element of class.

Hammers pound, rusted nails scream and squeak, and the crackling sound of rotted wood tearing from its foundation before being thrown onto the deck has replaced the birdcalls and gentle wind through bamboo wind chimes that normally reside in this corner of the 500 acre woods.

Winnie the Pooh would take up drinking. Eeyore would be having a field day with all the misery, and Tigger would be shot with a nail gun and strapped to the front of one of the multiple pickups that now decorate my lawn…. his tail festooned to a C.B. antenna and flapping in diesel laden breezes.

winnie the pooh mental health disordersYes, the glory that is the pomp and circumstance of a new roof has graced our doorstep.

This house that we have lived in for the last four years; the one that has leaked and rotted and hosted troves of wasps in a warped and tangled roof, is finally being attended to. Now. The very same time we’re attempting to pack up this house so that we can move out of it.

Our landlord’s timing couldn’t be more ill-timed and sardonic… crazy witch that she is.

The icing on this week’s cake is the pending arrival of my sister and her two kids tomorrow. Knowing my sister like I do she’ll apologize profusely for something she had no control over, and her children will certainly find the whole situation less than glamorous. Thankfully the Daughterling and I will be leaving with them for a week on our last Peninsula adventure for the foreseeable future. While we’re gone Manchild will get to deal with the roofers, and lament his decision to stay up all hours of the night playing World of Warcraft only to try to sleep with the cacophonous lullaby of chaos above him.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Welcome to life a la Jane. At least when we get back we’ll have a new roof to move out from under.

And so it goes…. much like the skylight the other day when a hammer fell through it. … Though I will say, the blue tarp overhead does lend a lovely sapphire hue to the house that the silly glass covering just couldn’t compete with.

-Jane

funny-winnie-the-pooh

Posted in Photography, Sarcasm / Humor, The Daily Grind, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Full Circle; I run in them often… it’s good exercise.

Washington state mountainsOver the weekend I awoke to the thrum of fat, round raindrops as they fell from a sunny sky onto the wooden deck outside my bedroom window.  Each connection of wood and water was a symphony of natural exuberance, a sloshing and fragrant revival of life to a parched and yellowing world.

August in the northwest is the scent of seaweed baking in the sun.  The cascading trill of birdsong as early as 4 a.m..  A heavy, salty sky that leaves volcanoes shimmering above the earth as they strain for the cooler air high in a cloudless atmosphere.

The rain was a welcome reordering to a hot and hazy summer that has seen change transform this little family once again.  And amidst those raindrops that fell so hard and heavy, I spoke to the husband about this new path in life.  My new path.

every cloud has a silver lining

Find your silver lining.

Words I spoke, as gentle and as firmly as I could, to get my point and intentions across was met with some resistance, but also with an overall feeling of dismissal.  Another denial to the state of things, which wasn’t at all surprising.  Here’s the overall point, I don’t make threats, and I don’t play games.  What I do is state my intentions and then follow through with them … so maybe this is his way of handling it … by letting me.  (And here the words “not surprised” enter my vernacular one more time… I wasn’t expecting otherwise, sad to say.)  I’m not bitter about it, not really.  It comes as more of a bittersweet knowledge that some things remain the same while the world spins on fast forward into tomorrow.  If anything, it reminds me why I am headed down the road I am, and confirms all those reasons for doing so.

There has been some attempt to speak kinder words, and a clinginess that is unusual, but as the weekend faded to a close, so to did the niceties; business as usual under this roof.  However, my focus right now isn’t on relationships, it’s on getting this house fully packed for the move that lingers in the peripheral … so close.

I’ve also a sister coming for a visit.  Olive is flying up with her two kids for one last Olympic Peninsula adventure before this chapter is closed.  … The timing is horrible, but Olive lives in a world where money isn’t in short supply, and the concept of packing up an entire house is left to hired hands.  It’s not a good thing, or a bad thing, it’s merely a thing to shake my head at and laugh about; funny, sweet girl that she is.  So the focus won’t be on how behind I am at this point, but on the memories we can make, and that’s the brighter perspective.

Thus it begins.

good-hope-beauty-blue-bright-cool-warm

-Jane

Posted in New Beginnings, Olympic Peninsuala, Positive Reflection | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

All You Need Is Love. (And a bunch of other stuff.)

love wingsPeace comes when you stop fearing the unknown, and start living in the moment. In the end, when we look back over our steps and decisions in this life, we are going to remember the moments, and for those whom we leave behind .. that is all we can truly offer them of any worth… moments of our time. Pieces of our life.

Speaking for myself, I doubt I’ll have the passing thought that I should have worried more. Took less time off and worked harder. Somehow I doubt any of us will look back and find value in having climbed social ladders, or the prestigious contacts we achieved.. or anything else quite so meretricious and shallow… like the number of friends we have on Facebook that we never really took the time to honestly know.

sad birdPeople are silly creatures, aren’t we? So quick to judge, jump to conclusions, assume and join the majority vote. When did living turn into a political one-upmanship?

When you really break it down, none of that has anything to do with existing. And simply existing isn’t living. What if the whole point, the deep philosophical meaning of life is just that … to live. To be born, discover our families, help each other through our troubles, and treat our love as though it were the sole commodity, or currency. To offer it out as though it were pulled from an endless well, so that others could find a measure of joy in their own lives. Given generously so it could multiply, not hidden behind greed, or agendas, or favors. Freely given, gratefully received. And in the end when our time has come, to move on with the knowledge that we did indeed love, and we did it the best we could.

Nobody takes anything but memories from this life. Make sure your’s are worth remembering.

winter birds shareGranted, I understand this sounds a bit like a fairy tale… but is it really? Have we all become so jaded that we can’t leave open the possibility that it is ours for the taking? Because love is also a choice. We chose what we love, and whom we love… and we go to great lengths to protect that which we do love. That’s fact… not a fairy tale.

So if we find ourselves in this life we are living, without the measure of love each of us needs and deserves, we have the choice to accept that way of living, or to seek out a new path. Find a way to love ourselves enough to open our lives up to hope and possibility.

But, it’s not guaranteed. More than likely we’re going to have to work hard for it. Forgive to make room for it. Move forward so you’re not swallowed by the past. If you want a life with love in it, seek it out, but first understand that in order to feel it, you have to own it. Accept that you are worth loving, love others without condition, and understand that love doesn’t always equate to passion. Love has no boundary. No gender. No relationship status. It simply is.

Beautiful-Bird-ocean…. Being the flawed creatures we are, we’re going to slip up sometimes and do or say things that are harmful. (Read: Amazingly and abundantly stupid.  I’ve got this trait mastered!) That’s okay… perfection isn’t a prerequisite to a joyful life. Acknowledge what the cause was, forgive, and move on. If you can’t forgive, then you’re only limiting yourself… so very cliché, but true. … and sometimes the person we need to forgive is ourselves… keep that in mind.

This.  All this, is where I’ve found myself at the end of a day that started with a lot of angst. Indecision. Hesitation and fear. It was an email from a friend that brought me around. I’ve been trying to come to terms with this new direction in my life… fear, uncertainty, and guilt still firmly anchoring me to the past.  And as silly as it sounds, just reading it, hearing if from someone not in the thick of it, flipped that switch inside.

“Futures. The same things can be as scary as hell or thrillingly exciting. The only difference being attitude or approach. You know this.”

Owl-Bird-NatureAnd they were right, I did know this, I had simply buried it behind my mountain of “what if’s” and thickheadedness.  Which is why I’ve chosen (Yet again.. it’s starting to be a theme around here.) to change my attitude, and approach this future of mine with anticipation in place of worry. I will try to move forward from here on out with love. … and buckets of forgiveness… because until I truly do – forgive myself and others – I will remain anchored (and have issues with burning people’s underwear), when what I really need to do, is fly.

Life may not always go the way we want, or planned, or anticipated… and that’s probably the best thing that could ever happen to us.

Run with it.

-Jane

bird-branch-trust her own wings

Posted in Hope, Mental Health, Motivation, Positive Reflection | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments