The mind is an ever evolving mass of mystery, both spectacularly surprising and infinitely strange in the way it adapts and works through the challenges thrown down before it. Part of facing these challenges involves free will and choice, both of which are typically ruled with a measure of conscience, meaning, we have the choice to view these challenges as a means of making ourselves stronger, or we can turn inward and feel as though life is far too tough and brutal to survive.
For the most part I have come through life with an abundance of hope, knowing I have survived many things, and done so out of sheer tenacity and gritty determination to not let life beat me down. The thing with mental health and depression, however, is that despite our heart’s ability to hold on to hope, it is sometimes overridden with the darker corners of the mind. A mind that jumps out of it’s naughty corner and sideswipes us when we least expect it.
Today I awoke adrift on tugging currents that have ripped me far from the safety of the solid footing onshore. I’ve been feeling the jolting pull of their watery depths for a few days now, knowing I was headed for the deep end of the mental pool.
Sometimes I am so very, very tired of this mental health game. The twists that run you face first into dark brick walls, and the turns that leave you dizzy and detached, your life spinning endlessly like a tethered ball at the end of a very convoluted and messy string.
Speaking for myself, I can usually feel it coming, starting with the singular detachments the mind starts to make; snipping my link to every person and thing, life recoiling like a taut string that has been snapped. The sting of each is wearing down my resolve, and I’ve been retreating inside myself to avoid the full force of them.
Why brain? ::arms extended, face turned to the heavens in a howl:: Why can’t this mind of mine just …. STOP. All I want in life is inner peace. A quietness that can shelter me from the full force of a manic swing aimed straight at my face. My heart. My mind.
To state it eloquently, mental health sucks. Some days it just sucks the holy hell out of life’s lemons …. stupid, pucker-faced demon that it is.
….. ::staring at the computer screen::: Is anybody out there? Why is it some days feel as though everyone on earth has vanished? As though I’ve survived some ungodly zombie plague only to find out there is absolutely nobody left on this rock hurtling through space but me. No matter where I look, or how hard I scream out and carry on, the only response is a lonely echo that lets me hear just how desperate and alone I have become.
I’m going to call it a day here. At some point I need to crawl from my cave and put on my friendly face… I do have visitors, after all. Olive and her kids are here for our Olympic Peninsula escape …. and the roofers have shown up at an ungodly hour to tromp around above me like bumbling trolls. I need to get up, shower, put my pants on one leg at a time, and go out and face the day. … but what I really want to do is crawl back under my sheets and dream about a life where my mind behaves. Where I don’t have to move in with my parents to regain my footing. Where I don’t feel so incredibly alone all the time. Where the state of my marriage isn’t a millstone about my neck in a raging sea …. because sometimes I just want to quit fighting to stay afloat. Want to let go and drift into silent fathoms that will swallow me whole, leaving no trace that I ever walked this world.
Sorry for the rant people. ….. does anyone ever even read this drivel?
Hello? ::echoing HELLO … Hello … hello …hell::
….. I have a worm eating party to go to now.